I tend to be a very stubborn, headstrong person. I’m fearless and I love hard. Giving up is never a viable option for me, and change can really scare me. I tend to do the same thing over and over and over, expecting different results, instead of shifting my life and perspective a bit. I almost always learn the hard way because I ignore all the caution signs that I face. Then one day, I woke up and I felt a little lost and unbalanced, but it didn’t happen over night. It all happened over a period where I got so caught up with the future and what ifs that I lost the best part of my life- the simplicity of the right now. Read more “How to Lose Yourself”
To be honest, coping isn’t easy. There isn’t an automatic fix. There isn’t a great way to describe my actions. I wish I could tell some people how much I love them without feeling like I doubt them, or that I don’t trust them, because I do. My anxiety makes me question my feelings and thoughts, and myself. It hurts a lot to deal with anxiety because you can’t see it or hear it. You see the outcome and so badly do we want to turn people back to us and have them not leave. We don’t want them to leave because of our anxiety.
My heart is pounding and thumping in my chest right now. Cue lightheadedness and over-thinking of what people might think when they read this. Sometimes I feel like I am about to pass out, drowning in feelings and thoughts. Overwhelmed is probably the best way to put it, the best way to make some people understand because not everyone will. Normally writing can calm and suppress my anxiety but writing about anxiety is a whole other beast. It gives me anxiety because honestly it isn’t something I fully can comprehend and sharing it isn’t easy. I know what it can do to me, how it can paralyze me and how it makes me feel. I can sometimes predict when I will have an anxiety attack, but rarely. My anxiety lurks like my shadow, constantly following me, just waiting to bring out the worst in me. Read more “My Open Battle With Anxiety”
It’s May 16th as I write this, and if you know me well, you know it has been seven weeks since my first knee surgery. Seven weeks has felt like seven months. It has felt like a battle or a test of some kind, and every day new challenges meet me and exhaust me. Seven weeks on crutches, still three more to go. Seven weeks may not seem very long, but when you lose the ability to do so much, like walking, it feels like time has slowed down just to add to the pain and agony.
Getting surgery and all that has come with it has been one, if not the most, challenging, exhausting, most painful and lonely times of my life. The “I feel lonely in a crowded room” kind of lonely. Where it is truly a one of a kind physical, mental, and emotional battle that no one else can understand. And don’t get me wrong, life goes on, and everyone goes about their days, but time stands still for me and I’m not moving. Read more “13 Reasons Why Not”
Who I am vs. Who I Want To Be
Every day I struggle with being the person I wish I was, and being a person that wants to divulge into the materialistic desires of the world. I wish I was skinnier, smarter, more artistic, more driven, less clumsy, less of a failure. Struggles and fears stare me down in the mirror every single day. I meet people who make my heartache or that I just can’t stand, and I often wonder what kind of world we live in. Read more “Give Me Jesus When I Need It Most”
Devastation and disappointment. That is the best way to describe being injured in my experience. I was devastated that it seemed like my sport was taken away from me, and in seconds my world came crashing down. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me unexpectedly. I was disappointed because it felt like my body failed me and that I failed my team, even though it was out of my hands. There was nothing that could prevent it. I spent sleepless nights crying while replaying the image of my knee giving out under me. I felt like I lost everything that I had worked for and it tore me to pieces as I missed practices and meets. It seemed like I lost this huge part of myself to this one defining moment. I lost myself completely. Read more “More Than My Sport”