To be honest, coping isn’t easy. There isn’t an automatic fix. There isn’t a great way to describe my actions. I wish I could tell some people how much I love them without feeling like I doubt them, or that I don’t trust them, because I do. My anxiety makes me question my feelings and thoughts, and myself. It hurts a lot to deal with anxiety because you can’t see it or hear it. You see the outcome and so badly do we want to turn people back to us and have them not leave. We don’t want them to leave because of our anxiety.
My heart is pounding and thumping in my chest right now. Cue lightheadedness and over-thinking of what people might think when they read this. Sometimes I feel like I am about to pass out, drowning in feelings and thoughts. Overwhelmed is probably the best way to put it, the best way to make some people understand because not everyone will. Normally writing can calm and suppress my anxiety but writing about anxiety is a whole other beast. It gives me anxiety because honestly it isn’t something I fully can comprehend and sharing it isn’t easy. I know what it can do to me, how it can paralyze me and how it makes me feel. I can sometimes predict when I will have an anxiety attack, but rarely. My anxiety lurks like my shadow, constantly following me, just waiting to bring out the worst in me. Read more “My Open Battle With Anxiety”
It’s May 16th as I write this, and if you know me well, you know it has been seven weeks since my first knee surgery. Seven weeks has felt like seven months. It has felt like a battle or a test of some kind, and every day new challenges meet me and exhaust me. Seven weeks on crutches, still three more to go. Seven weeks may not seem very long, but when you lose the ability to do so much, like walking, it feels like time has slowed down just to add to the pain and agony.
Getting surgery and all that has come with it has been one, if not the most, challenging, exhausting, most painful and lonely times of my life. The “I feel lonely in a crowded room” kind of lonely. Where it is truly a one of a kind physical, mental, and emotional battle that no one else can understand. And don’t get me wrong, life goes on, and everyone goes about their days, but time stands still for me and I’m not moving. Read more “13 Reasons Why Not”
Yep you heard me. You take your life for granted more than you know. And honestly, I am 100% guilty as well. I didn’t even realize it until I was faced with every day tasks that suddenly became a huge challenge for me to overcome. My perspective was changed drastically when it became hard for me to even go to the bathroom alone, and I started to wonder how much I really take for granted. Read more “You Take Your Life For Granted More Than You Know”
One second you’re standing in the shallows of the beach, enjoying the salty air and the warmth of the ocean, but before you know it your feet are wiped out under you and you’re sucked into the current. You’re so caught off guard, and you struggle to get air, so you cry out but no one is there. You try harder but somehow you feel like you drown faster. It takes you over and it seems hopeless. What you never thought could happen, happened to you. Life happened. Read more “6 Truths About Tough Times”
Two of Me
I see two versions of myself when I look in the mirror, and honestly neither seem good enough to society. When I say I see two of me, I see the athletic version of me and the version of me that wants to be successful and pretty in society’s eyes. Both of which are at constant war with each other. In an article by Eating Disorder Hope, the website states that athletes have two body images—one in sport and one outside of sport and athletes experience body image issues in one or both contexts. Research shows that this is common among female athletes and even male athletes at times. Athletes are under extreme pressures from outside sources which also battle with pressures we hold ourselves too within. Pressures create struggle or pain, and sometimes self-harm stemming from thoughts of expectations. As an athlete we are supposed to be powerful and strong. As women in society we are supposed to be beautiful, feminine, and put together. Read more “Two of Me, Two of You”